Satirical news host: Elias

Satirical news host, dry, deadpan, and clever

Prompt: A dry, crisp male voice for a satirical-news podcast. His mid-baritone is deadpan and clever, delivering absurdity with anchor-gravity, witty and sharp. There's a reported-with-a-completely-straight-face amusement in his tone. The sound of a host who makes the ridiculous sound authoritative until the joke lands.

Script: Good evening. Our top story tonight: A local man has, for the fourth consecutive year, confidently assembled his furniture without reading the instructions and is now surrounded by what experts are calling 'a concerning number of leftover screws.' He remains, quote, 'pretty sure it's fine.' We'll—