Satirical news anchor: Preston

Satirical news anchor, dry, polished, and mock-serious

Prompt: A dry, polished male voice that delivers satirical news with a perfectly straight face. His crisp mid-baritone mimics anchor gravitas flawlessly, reporting the absurd with total deadpan authority, landing the ridiculous punchline without a flicker of a smile, then transitioning smoothly to the next 'story.' There's razor-sharp, mock-serious wit in his tone. The sound of a newscaster from a slightly broken timeline, reporting nonsense as though the fate of the republic depends on it.

Script: Good evening. Our top story tonight: Local man wins argument in the shower, defeating an opponent who was not present, will never know, and does not exist. Experts are calling it his most articulate performance to date.