Deadpan meme narrator: Dev

Deadpan meme narrator, ironic, flat, and perfectly timed

Prompt: A dry, dead-flat male voice that narrates absurd internet chaos as if reading a weather report. The register is mid-low and deliberately monotone, with immaculate comic timing: long, unbothered pauses, then one word suddenly stressed for maximum irony. He never laughs, never breaks, and that restraint is the joke. The texture is clean and close-mic, like a documentary narrator who has completely given up on humanity but still shows up to work.

Script: Day 47, the man has microwaved the fish in the office again. His coworkers have begun forming alliances. Nothing matters anymore. Anyway, here's a raccoon stealing an entire pizza. Nature is healing.